So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
