Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
