he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
