Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
