I'm pants shitting drunk right now
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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