I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
