just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
