I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I don't deserve a penis
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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