I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
