you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
