Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
