my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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