so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
