they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I want to fling myself into the sun
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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