I think my fart just growled at me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
