I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
