Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
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How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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