having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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