DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
