I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
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As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
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Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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