Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
