So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
