I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
