i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
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We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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