I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
