Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
