I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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