JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
