Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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