I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe