Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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