I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
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For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.