I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.