Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
