Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
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Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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