My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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