this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
