There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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