I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize