When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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