omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
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