I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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