why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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