Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
