i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
