pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
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"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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