he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
