I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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