my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
