Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
