I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I checked into jail on foursquare
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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