Four minutes until I can fart!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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