I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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