I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
