is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
