Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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