I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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