Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
