A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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