I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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